Writings, Parodies and AmusementApril 11, 2006 6:36 am

A pair of intensively gray eyes stared into a cracked mirror. One would wonder what would cause a being to keep a cracked mirror when in the modern society surrounding offered mirrors at a relatively low price, even offering decent ones at this price. It was interesting to consider this lack of consideration by beings.

But then, it was no different than a vampire owning a mirror.

To be truthful, the one gazing into the mirror wasn’t even a vampire. Sleek hair, fangs, and brilliantly dark eyes might’ve made one question exactly what he was; even the trenchcoat and dark garb… but no. Rislan wasn’t a vampire.

No, Rislan wasn’t a vampire. Rislan was a werewolf. The overly hairy creature standing calmly beside him was, however, a vampire. The overly hairy creature with fangs, nails, and an expression that shot nails into the already shattered mirror. Stalking over to the nearest window, she threw the curtains open with a disgruntled frown and stared into the moonlight with an expression nearly as disgruntled as it had been before the curtains had been flung open.

Silver moonlight trickled into the bedroom, moonbeams reflecting off of the mirror and into the taller of the pair’s eyes. He winced, covering his eyes almost reflectively. In fact, as the mirror’s eyes stared back at him, it was reflectively. The reflection covered its eyes as surely as did the werewolf in distinctively vampiric garb. As surely as the lycanthrope encased vampire had cast the moonlit curtains apart to bathe the room in shadows of silver.

“No,” she muttered. “Not accepting. Denial. Denial is good.”

“Vell—” Rislan started before jerking to a halt and falling into maniacal laughter. “Bvhaha! I speak like you do now! Ahaha! Ahaha!”

The vampire in lycan skin winced painfully at the butchery of her sophisticated manner of speech. “Love, just because I wear your body, doesn’t mean I can’t tear you apart.”

“Ach, it’s more likely now.” Rislan beamed at her; a fangy and malicious grin that could only have been birthed by a predator. As if they both weren’t… “I can be sexy now. Voo-hoo!” He strutted about in the moonlight, the silver playing off of his perfectly formed hair. “I shall seduce all vomankind and zay shall all be mine! Bvhaha!”

“Yes, yes, I’m sure,” she grumbled absently. “Just remember you’re mine, love.”

“Of course,” he trilled. “Aolane, you know you vill alvavys be mine.”

“Do I sound that stupid normally?”

Taken aback, the now vampiric Rislan blinked. And blinked a second time for good measure. “Vhat? How could you suggest zoze of us who speak vis great perfection sound… faugh… stupid?”

“Because it just occurred to me zat ve do,” she mocked.

The argument was cut off by a shattering noise slicing through the air as cleanly as the inward broken glass from the window flew across the room. Senses kicking in a moment before anything could possibly have harmed him, Rislan’s body moved cleanly, sweeping underneath the spears of glass and bringing itself back upright as they imbedded themselves into the wall with a terrifying thunk. Never mind the fact that all reason would’ve had the glass fall to a weak crumble underneath the window as the grappling hook from below smashed through it.

Moments later, the flawless and yet ruggedly scarred face of a hero peered up from amidst shattered glass, climbing up and through the window without a single cut on his fingers from the broken glass caused by his hook. Amazingly enough, both metaphysical beings had come from the incredibly shattering glass attack without a scratch on their bodies or a hair out of place.

To make certain, Rislan pushed his hair back and grabbed a bit of gel anyway. It wouldn’t do to duel the ultimate hero with mussed hair.

“Knew I shouldn’t’ve gotten the low grade rope,” the hero was muttering—for clearly it was a hero by the large shoulder spread, perfectly toned muscle build, and untouched hair. And the sexy scars on his face, of course. “Cursed castles with no decent windows to clamor through…”

Due to a convenient shift in gravity, Aolane found herself falling into the arms of the rugged and handsome hero. Their eyes met across time and space, though there were but inches separating their lips from touching. “Oh…” she whispered. “You’re so… handsome.” She only wished that she had fangs with which she could sink into the hero’s lush and muscular neck. The most-assuredly non-ivory flesh appealed to her darker nature, his handsome blue eyes appealing to the carnal side.

Rislan, in the meantime, fumed.

The hero’s eyes met hers, slipping past her eyes and down to the incredible bosom she boasted and the slinky black evening dress (which was very unflattering on her newborn lycanthrope body, to be certain). His eyes widened in love at first sight, somehow ignoring the fact that the beautiful and seductive vampire had been turned into a lycanthrope by some horrible twist of fate and she was ugly. Gravity pulled them together, lips touching—

And the hero slumped to the ground, unconscious.

“What’d you do that for?!” Aolane screamed at Rislan; the lycanthrope boasting a rather thick and heavy piece of wood.

“He vas hitting on you, dahling.”

“I wanted him to hit on me!”

“Vell, I didn’t!” He swept her into his arms and kissed her.

“Gah!” She kissed him back anyway, both of them ignoring the fact that as they kissed for an exceedingly long length of time, the sun was gradually coming closer and closer to the horizon, and the unconscious hero had begun to stir. Too caught up in the art of kissing in remarkably distasteful and immoral manners, it was too late for them as the heroic hero plunged a wooden stake through Rislan’s back.

Though Rislan was not a vampire by birth, a stake through the heart could kill anyone. Aolane screamed as her love fell to the floor, a bloody piece of wood pierced through his clothing and staining it with blood.

“You… you… that was a freaking expensive trenchcoat!” she shrieked, the wail of distress intensively high enough to smash the eardrums of even the most hardened heroic spirit. The hero’s hands shot up to his ears, dagger to chop the vampire’s head off slipping and falling. The blade hit with a thump and buried itself into the wooden floor.

Then the sun came up and she died anyway.

Review me.

UncategorizedApril 8, 2006 8:05 pm

I had to type this out for our church newspaper; one of the ladies submitted it. I’m sorry, I thought it was ludicorous. The meter was out, it’s horribly done, doesn’t rhyme the same way all the way through…

Nice idea, but it HURT. I even had to remove punctation. How I desired to edit…

Oh What Love

Easter is coming soon
Time to think of Him
He who came from Heaven down
To save us from our sins

God’s method for Jesus to save us
Wasn’t very nice
For being nailed to the cross
Was the absorbant price

How we got our money’s worth
Our salvation entirely free
Only believing in Jesus required
To gain us eternity

Oh what love for us He has
To have born that sacrifice!
Joy! He’s in Heaven preparing now
Making His return for us especially nice
V.J. Sample

Writings, The Domino Effect, Role-playing, Parodies and AmusementApril 2, 2006 9:50 pm

A godmod of Jandalf’s characters and a parody. Enjoy.

**********

A long time ago, in… well… a forest not so far away, unless you were from, say, Terra, in which case it was… er…

Somewhere in a forest, there was a little village. There. That’s better. Well, actually, it was a clearing in a forest, and stuff. It was like a woodcutter’s village. Which means it probably wasn’t approprate for kids to be growing up in, but whatever. There were kids, meaning the lumberjacks had to watch their language.

But that’s beside the point.

The point was that Little Blue’s grandm…cough…cough…old relative was ill. Er. Yes.

Old relative.

So her… er…

Blue’s a guy.

I hate to break it to y’all, but he is. Sorry to break story continugity. Really, but I have to. Little Blue Spiky Hair wasn’t at all like the cute blond girl with a red hood. And his old relative was ill. (My characters were trying to convince me to put Ariane as the grandmother, but she rebelled)

So one day, when his relative was particularly ill, his mother called him aside and granted him a basket of goodies, wine, and cheese, and various other stuff you send to ill grandparents. No one knows why you’d want to get them drunk, but whatever…

So his unnamed mother, as no one knows who his mother is anyway, though…

Oh. Okay.

Tiana says she’s his mother. We won’t question her, or the fact that he’s older than her.

“Why do I want to get my grandparent drunken, mother?” Xendor aka Little Blue Spiky Hair asked cheerfully, taking the basket and plotting to eat the cheese himself.

“Because.” Tiana glowered… well… up at him, but that’s beside the point. “Besides, it’ll get rid of you for a day!”

“Oh. All right!” He hugged her and skipped off into the forest, immediately tripping on a portruding root and breaking his ankle.

Of course, in the amount of time it took for his ankle to heal, his grandparent recovered. We have to wait a few years for the relative to get ill again.

The relative DID get ill again! Woo-hoo! And Xendor was sent off into the tall, creepy, and foreboding forest with a basket of all sorts of sinful goodies to plug his grandparents with.

Of course, no matter how horribly foreboding and malicious the forest looked from the exterior, somehow there was sunbeams dancing over daisies and beautiful flowers lining the forest paths. Soft moss outlined the path, making one wonder if it hadn’t been planned to be this way.

Xendor, as distracted as he was, decided to go and pick bluebells for his relative. No one knows why, because his relative didn’t particularly like flowers. But he decided to go get flowers. And perhaps there was a bit of rock music filtering through the trees. But besides that…

He got lost in the forest.

Gee. Big surprise THERE.

Evil beady eyes glowered from between the branches and an unhuman howl split the air.

Xendor dropped his basket and covered his ear. “That can’t be good.”

“MY FINGERNAILS!!!!” a female voice wailed, stumbling from the branches and crashing into Xendor.

A moment later, one of the wine bottles shattered onto the ground. It had been a delayed reaction, after all. Gravity never worked quite right in fairy tales.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!! YOU GOT WINE ON MY MANICURED TOENAILS!! MY SHOES WILL BE RUINED!!” Meqime wailed, beating on Xendor.

“Peticure.”

“What?”

“Not a manicure. That’s your toes,” Xendor pointed out logically. “Do you mind? You’re standing on my basket, your highness.”

She smacked him. “That’s for your impudence! Bow before me!”

“…You’re freaking standing on my basket!” Xendor shoved her. “Get off of it! My grandparent is scarier than you.”

Meqime sidled up to him. “What’s a basket when you could have me, love?”

“It’s a basket.” He pushed her off of the basket and picked it up again. “Aw, look, you crushed the chocolates.”

And so, in a fit of ultimate fury, she grabbed the blue-haired Xendor and ate him up! Not that way, pervert! As in cannibalistic! You know, flesh, blood, bones, gore, and all that rot? There was much screaming, and blood, and pain, and stuff.

But let’s not go there.

Disgusted, Meqime dug around in his basket for an after dinner mint. “So much more satisfying to whip the young welps,” she muttered, using the basket to wipe the blood off of her face.

Xendor pounded on the inside of her stomach. It sounded distinctly like thunder. For some odd reason, even though he was still alive within her, her stomach wasn’t abnormally portruded, or otherwise odd shaped. Fairy tales can work some awfully odd ways.

Coming up with some magic hairdye, she changed her hair color and went off with the basket to grandmother’s house.

Even though it actually wasn’t a grandMOTHER, but whatever…

Suddenly, a very orange figure crashed into Meqime. “THE SKY IS FALLING!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!”

A piece of the sky fell and crushed Jandalf flat, rendering the wizard’s appearance nothing more than a cameo.

“O_o.”

Meqime carried on through the forest still, though now scarred by the sight of a piece of the sky crushing someone flat. It severely bothered her. But then again, when she was run over by a person in a very shiny dress, she was ticked off.

Kemmie stood up and smacked the person. “It’s my job to be the prettiest person in the story!”

Then she double took.

Ira glowered down at her from a very stylized version of Cinderella’s dress. “It wasn’t my choice, all right?”

Kemmie doubled over in fits of laughter.

Of course, Ira got ticked off. The situation only led to one thing.

“Aren’t you a pretty young girl,” Kemmie breathed at him.

Ira glared at her. “It’s a drycleaning job. I was getting it cleaned for Tiana, all right? And they cut my clothes off and insisted I wear this.”

“…”

He stomped off, the white dress getting rather dirty from dragging through the dirt.

But we’ll get to the point. Finally, Meqime arrived at the grandparent’s house. It had a lot of windows. Smoothing back her impersonation of Xendor’s hair, she knocked on the door.

The door was opened, and she found herself knocked over by a very long scarf. A few moments later, a tall figure peered out from behind the scarf. “Yes?”

Meqime, winded by being crushed by a very long knitted scarf, only was able to stare up at her… father. “Get… this… thing… off me!”

“Meqime?” He raised his eyebrows. “I thought they were going to send someone more… sane.”

“Gack…” Meqime shoved the long red scarf off of her chest and stood up.

Elachi examined her hair with raised eyebrows.

“I’m Xendor,” she chirped.

“You sound remarkably female, Xendor.”

“I… er… have a cold.”

Elachi snorted. Meqime couldn’t wait any longer. She bounded on Elachi and somehow managed to swallow him whole. We won’t even try describing how she managed this.

Inside of Kemmie’s stomach, the following conversation took place as she went and placed herself behind a newspaper.

Xendor: Hi, gramps!

Elachi: Hmph. Of all the people she had to eat, she had to eat you.

Xendor: I didn’t know she was a cannibal.

Elachi. (gets newspaper and reads it with a flashlight)

And so, back in the village, Tiana considered the fact that Xendor would probably get sidetracked by the nearby Pillar concert. So she sent off her backup after berating Ira for getting her dress muddy again.

She sent off…

Her daughter.

Wow. Things finally follow the story!

So, Thalia set off with a laptop computer, no fancy colored hoods, and another basket of stuff. One wonders why Tiana didn’t just go herself, but perhaps she was busy with Jether in the background. Kissing, or painting walls, or something.

Thalia made it through the forest completely unharmed. But arriving at the hut in the forest, she paused.

Entering without knocking (because the door was blocked by the exceedingly long knitted scarf), she peered at her supposed grandparent, hiding behind a newspaper.

“Grandpa, your hair is very blue.”

“I know child.”

“You missed a comma. How horrible your grammar is today, grandpa.”

“Er… reading the comics, child.”

“Grandpa, you’ve got breasts.”

“Er…” And Kemmie bounded from behind the newspaper and swallowed Thalia whole! The child was far too observant for her own good.

But, fortunately, a good woodcutter was passing by and heard rather weird sounds coming from the cottage in the woods. Most notable, Meqime’s stomach stretching in strange manners, due to the fact that she had eating three people whole, including a six foot seven man.

And, of course, the conversations coming from within.

“Shaddup!” she muttered to her stomach.

The woodcutterer popped in and gave her a weird look. “Whit did ye do to your hair, Meqime?”

“Gah… I’m Elachi!”

Gaheris peered at her. “No, ye most definately are not.”

We won’t go into the brutality of this scene, but in the end, he killed her and took the people out. Elachi was ticked, Xendor thought it was cool and went off to get high on a tower, and Thalia needed a bath.

After that, Tiana always went to visit her grandparents herself, Ariane kept a close eye on Elachi’s knitting so that it wouldn’t break through the wall, Elachi got to drink all the wine that Thalia brought him, and everything was good.

Well, mostly. Bar the fact that the three characters who got eaten stank for a year and a day.

The moral of this story is make sure your grandparents live in the same town as you if they’re going to get sick, or you’ll get eaten by a seductress of a wolf.