Look To the North

“INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal.”

I’m not quite as introvorted as this would make me out to be… or AM I? At social gatherings I kind of sit along, I don’t have many friends and eh… yeah. I don’t know. Except, I’m energized by people (or distracted by them due to one of my crazy natures: ARRRGH MUST KNOW THIIIIIINNGS… and of course the desire to care… to care, and to knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…. TELL ME EVERYTHING… I had someone tell me to go become a phychiatrist. XD)

I totally need a new catagory for Nanowrimo or something. Which, by the way, I finished with 100k, two novels–one with 67k and the other with 33k. My wrists ache. I wrote 16k the last day.

ANYWAY.

My characters, makeup, and I!

Ah, yes, a subject that for some reason got mentally brought up. Which characters wear makeup?! WHO BOTHERS?! I mean, they’ve got villians attemting to kick their rears, or they’re villians attempting to kick the good guy rears… who’s wearing makeup?

So my characters faced the interrogation, and I found the replies most…………….. interesting.

AWARD FOR MOST MAKEUP WORN:
Raiyn Serak. No surprise there. Ah, yes, Raiyn. Raiyn the vampire, Raiyn the whore, Raiyn the singular existing prostitute character that disturbs all my other female characters, Raiyn the positive she can convince humans that vampires aren’t monsters. *sighs* I love her. Her character is so very different from me. Nonetheless, her chosen makeup, as a general rule, in order of importance.

1) Eyeliner. Black, duh.
2) Mascara
3) Dark red lipstick/gloss
4) Concealer
5) Eyeshadow… very likely a green or blue… maybe a redish.
6) Any sort of powder to make her face paler (did I mention she’s also my only female semi-dark skinned character?)
7) Hairgel.
8) Lipliner.
9) Jewlery.
10) Scented stuff.
11) Nailpolish.

That about sums up what she wears. I’m not well versed in makeup… there’s probably more. Seriously, she looks like a different person without all those layers on. o_o

She wears it out of habit.

AWARD FOR LEAST MAKEUP WORN (on a female character)!
Surprisingly, Talnaver Arinon. Yeah, another undefinate TDE character… Talnaver wears no makeup at all, at least to the best of my observations. She finds it a waste of time running back and forth and tends to avoid it, even working undercover. The worst she’s done is hair styling. Generally, she relies on clothing and basic mannerisms to make herself different.

For TDE…
Drum roll…….

Ryian Khess. She uses makeup to disguise minor facial scars and uses a bit of lipgloss occasionally. She used to use it before she became a mercenary, but now finds it a waste of time.

(And just for a record: the male award for most makeup is Nikolas and Varok. Unsurprisingly, both vampires. Lol)

Now, in no specific order, other characters opinions on makeup for those curious!

Tiana:
Before she was Calthye, in the Legacy era, and previous to that, she basically got away with using lipgloss and hair stuff. She was too busy to bother with anything. But in the post Reunion era… I guess it’d be TDE: Fealty era… she does use some. To keep up appearances. She hates eye makeup and uses nothing more than a bit of a brown liner and a hint of mascara when necessary for stage lighting appearances. She’ll use blush and lipgloss as well as a bit of purfume. Gotta appear royal, eh what? Off duty, it depends on whether she keeps to habit or not, but she nixes all the eye makeup.

She has some facial tattoos.

Ariane:
Ariane is actually very good at using makeup, and can completely alter her appearance in about a half hour or so with the right stuff. As she used to work in mostly undercover senarios, she learned how to do incredible things with a bit of makeup. As Calthye, she uses purple eyeshadow, concealer (yes, yes, facial flaws!), and a pale pink lipgloss. She has thick enough eyelashes that she’s always found using eyelash glue (HER TERM! HER TERM, NOT MINE!!) to be pointless. She was always amused by shiny things and will use the stick-on type marks for occasions.

On stage, she uses proper stage makeup… eyes and mouth, mainly, though she refuses to use lipliner even with thin lips, and mostly goes for shinies.

Off complete duty, she still sometimes uses eyeshadow and concealer (hmm… acne?), but is totally freaked out about the very IDEA of having to kiss Elachi while wearing lipgloss, so she generally nixes most of the rest.

Marien:
Depends on her mood. She’s always liked dark eyeliner and mascara, though. The whole gothic look always fit her Shadow self. She goes with more charcoaly tones for makeup, and uses nailpolish on a regular basis. And toenail polish. ^^;;

That covers my female mains, doesn’t it? I can’t think…. zzzzzzzzz……………….. remind me later if I missed some MCs.

Oh, as for the I part of it…

I wear no makeup. But I bought some lipgloss because my lips have been very chapped and am trying to get used to having sticky, candy flavored lips. >< I want to put a bunch on and go kiss someone to see if it works.... hmmmmm.

I feel very sorry for your severe sight problems. If I knew who you were, I would start up a collection immediately to get the money for your parents to afford eyeglasses for you, or even surgery, as evidently your ocular abilities are severely lacking. I shall add you to my prayers in steady hopes that your sight and literary abilities shall begin to improve at once.

Though I do salute you on one thing: you are the very first flamer I have had that has flamed me in proper English, proper grammar, and (gah), you even capitalized I. I love you. Will you marry me (once you’ve gotten glasses)?

<3,
Tiana

(In response to comment on “I wrote this. Bad, eh?” by anonymous)

I oughta link my icon journal from here. Or maybe I already have. Or maybe I’m just not thinking straight.

I should organize my catagories better.

Blast it all.

{ http://child-of-icons.livejournal.com

Funness.

Maybe I should put my icons on here too. Hmmmmm…

Great idea, self. (rolling of eyes)

Yeah, so

Character status:

Ariane’s brain dead, and wants to learn how to swim. Which is really weird. She’s a fire elemental, as any reader probably very well knows, and that… GAH. I think she’s being rebellious.
Tiana’s been ranting about Oblivion again
Marien still wants to kill Ariane for OBVIOUS (not) reasons
Solly’s ticked because I haven’t let him talk to R for a while.
Cyaeth think’s we need to get our story moving so that he doesn’t have to be sitting in such silly positions anymore while there’s a nutso REBELLION happening…
And Ryian doesn’t talk much.
And Caie wears a long skirt and has blonder hair than the rest of my characters. Like original-Tiana hair color. It’s weeird. Considering, I mean, that she’s Ariane.

Whee.

I wanna make more TDE icons. The last set I did was good and angsty. Maybe an icon set’ll move the story forward. Darn the story! It’s so hard to co-write rebellion!!

And, just to fill this post up with a bit more crap, here’s a few random icons.

Oooh! My BitTorrent download will FINISH today! Finally!! After, what, 2 freaking weeks… I have 2 percent left. Must also burn Jandalf’s CD today and mail it to her. Must also write today. MUST write. Must carry on NSO and finish it so I can begin the sequel.

Current YIM icon:

Current favorite icon from Star Wars set (not yet on LiveJournal!!):

Other couple:

Use if you want, but comment please! Guest comments are allowed!

I really do. I HATE beef. I swear, I’m going to become a vegetarian if I can’t escape eating steaks/roasts…

I used to be a good cook, dammit!! Until dad came home and we HAD to make nearly every damn day, steak, potatoes. Roast, potatoes. Horridly-tough-and-greasy-ribs, and potatoes. Chicken, oh wow that’s rare enough, and potatoes. GAH. EVERY FREAKING THING!! It’s been pressure cooked or sometimes rarely barbequed. Because it’s so tough you can’t eat it without pressure cooking it.

I used to be a GOOD cook! I used to be able to cook all sorts of interesting stuff. I was creative. EVERYONE liked it.

Beyond dad.

He wasn’t home.

Which was fine, because he wouldn’t have liked it anyway.

Damnnit, I hate steaks. I’m swearing. That usually means I’m pretty vehement about the opinion. Heh.

But YOU try eating food that tastes bloody THE SAME for MONTHS. GAH! We own a cow, see? The only different meat we have was chickens (whole ones), sausages, and hamburger. I used mostly hamburger. But now we’re nearly out of hamburger.

We have some bison, but by now, I’ve grown to hate any type of meat that I can’t make look so different from meat… heh.

So now I’m mad at dad (and he likewise), because he wanted to make two pounds of hamburger into PATTIES (ei: read: as much like steaks as is humanly possible), and I took it out to make into a lausagua because I NEED SOMETHING BESIDES STEAK BEFORE I GO INSANE!!

But you can’t tell HIM that. Gah! Nooo… “No one cares what I want!”. (smacks head on keyboard) HE doesn’t care what I want. Or mom wants, for that matter. WE want something besides steak and potatoes. GAH!!!

I’m going to become a vegetarian, or at the least, a sandwich meat, hamburger, and chopped up meat atarian.

You know, I was becoming a good cook until I had to start making steak and potatoes every day (unless mom cooked them, in which case I still had to eat them). I want pyrogies!! (I should’ve done those today. I’m making a roast. I refused to cook the hamburger and make it into patties. You see, if HE had done it, I would’ve lived with it and made potatoes quietly. But he told me to make supper, in the words “Would you like to make supper now, please” which mean “Make supper. No, I’m not going to say thank you when you’re done, but if you don’t make it, you’ll be in trouble”. Had DAD made hamburger patties, I would’ve suffered with eating them. But there’s no way in Kessel I’m making them.)

Yeah. So I rebelled and now dad’s mad at me. Both were thawed out, anyway… (Sighs) So it’s not like I did anything wrong. I washed the pressure cooker before he asked me to do it, anyway…

Grrr… and there’s hardly any hamburger left, so we’re stuck with this horrible meat until it’s all gone. I hate it. I really, really do. You know, before I was actually able to make INTERESTING food. I even managed to pull off potatoes a graiten, or whatever it was. And Chinese food. And other stuff like that. (sighs)

^That is not material permitted to be quoted.

And Great-Grandma’s in the hospital with pnomonia. Yeah.

It’s really quite a pain to carry on when no one ever appreciates your work. Really, it is. Or when your best friends have no real appreciation for your feelings, or suchnot. I get more reviews/remarks from people I’ve never heard of before. Jandalf doesn’t remark on anything I’ve done unless I prod her so hard into doing it…

If people think my work is that worthless, they could at least bleeding well tell me! Is my writing not worth even a “yes, I read it, it was intersesting” anymore?! I don’t hold anything on people not remarking on these journal posts. Really. These are just depression taking hold, frustration from people not telling me anything, so on, so forth (and I’m not even PMSing… gah)

But, really. Why is friendship so insincere? I hug people at the end of any chat session, mostly… is it sincere? I hated typing it at the end of the last bit with Jandalf, because I was ticked off enough to see no sincerity in it. It’s just a motion, one of those typical things to do.

And I’m sure she appreciates that I review her stuff with some degree of detail, at the very least, but I don’t even get a “That was odd” from her… I don’t even get acknowledgement for writing anything unless I poke her. Considering most of my writing goes into what we co-write, it really doesn’t seem to mean much anymore.

Gotta love those cynical friends.

Yeah, right.

Unknown reader, you don’t know how often I wish I could take the energy I’ve put into that RPing, take the plot, and write it out my own blasted way just to see it done. It’ll never get done through RP, that much is invariable… we don’t write enough canon when we have LOTS of time, let alone when she’s gone to collage…

I’ve spent ages developing those characters, and they’ll never go anywhere, because that’s the only plot I can leginimately use them in now, and most of them are so tied to her characters it isn’t even funny.

Darn it all.

Ergh. Do you know HOW MANY BLOODY QUIZZES ON QUIZZILA DECLARE “Wanna cyber with me?”.

Gahhhhhhhhhh.

GET A LIFE, FREAKIN’ IDIOTS!!

[/rant]

Heh. But seriously… what is the PURPOSE of cybering? How would that work? Honestly… a webcam? That’s camming. You can’t have sex over the internet, and that’s final. My characters agree with me too. I think I need to write a “Where my characters draw the line on morals” thing now, because of this… gahhhhhh… (bashes head) Sure, text can be a turn on, but really… gahhhhhhhhhhh… I want to get a howizer.

[random] Does cybering make you lose your virginity? Snrk. [/random]

I guess I need a catagory for annoyed rants too.

EDIT:

Oh, how I’m resisting the temptation to make a quiz, dub it “I CAN WRITE A HOTTER SEX STORY THAN YOU!” And put the result as “But I won’t, because I have morals”. I salute the people who do things like that… (sighs) So few have morals. I hardly have to scan the list of stuff and see how many uses of the F word, etc…

And, the thing is, I could write a hotter sex story than they could. Because I can actually WRITE, darnit! (decides to start reporting mislabled stories and stuff) I DON’T WANT TO READ THAT ****. (censored because I’m mad enough to swear… whee… seriously.) I know I CAN write, and I can write emotionally. I choose NOT to because I’m not a horny teenager with no better purpose in life than to write smut quizzes pleading with other horny people to share naked pictures with me.

I appologize for the amount of rants on this topic, but I have accidently run into so much HORRIBLE crap online that it HURTS. (waves around pointy things) I want to huuuuuurt them….

Just for reference, this was spawned by someone making a poll that WAS NOT rated mature (that brings up a warning thinger) declaring all sorts of things they’d stuck up their female body parts. (very odd face) It wasn’t explicit so much as strange. (bashes head against keyboard) CAR KEYS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?! AND YOU’RE PROUD OF THAT?~?~?~?~?~?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

[/rant]

> 1. We’re not as perverted as you think we all are.
>
>
>
>
> 2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a
> LOSER.
>
>
>
> 3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes
> too.
>
>
> 4. Don’t argue with us when we call you beautiful.
>
>
>
>
> 5. Don’t treat us like crap, what goes around comes
> around.
>
>
>
>
> 6. We know you’re pretty, that’s one of the reason’s
> we’re going out
> with you.
>
>
>
> 7. Don’t go into detail about your period. It scares
> us.
>
>
>
>
> 8. If you have cramps and we ask you what’s wrong,
> just tell us it’s
> that time of the month and nothing more.
>
>
> 9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us
> think that our
> mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
>
>
>
>
> 10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
>
>
>
>
> 11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It’s
> just
> wrong…………
>
>
>
>
> 12. Don’t make bets about us, because one of your
> friends will tell
> us, if you don’t.
>
>
>
>
> 13. When we tell you that you’re not fat, believe us.
>
>
> 14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet
> Boys, *NSYNC, 98
> Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that
> matter.
>
>
>
> 15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the
> time, but at least
> we can stand up and go pee.
>
>
>
>
> 16. Just cause you think you’re always right,
> doesn’t mean that you
> don’t have to apologize when you do something “wrong.”
>
>
>
> 17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for
> you, but it would be
> nice if you did the same every once in a while. We
> like to know that
> you love us.
>
>
>
>
> 18. We can’t always be spontaneous, so try to help
> us make the plans
> sometimes.
>
>
>
>
> 19. Don’t ask us to beat up another guy for you,
> cause you might get
> what you wish for.
>
> 20. Never kick us in the nuts “just to see what we
> would say”. That’s
> just mean.
>
>
> 21. Never pretend like you are going to break up
> with us and laugh
> when we believe you.
>
>
>
>
> 22. Pamela Anderson’s boobs aren’t fake anymore, but
> we like yours
> better anyway.
>
>
>
>
> 23. Size doesn’t matter, except to idiots who don’t
> want a
> relationship.
>
>
>
>
> 24. PMS is not an excuse.
>
>
>
>
> 25. If you want us to put the seat down when we’re
> done, you should
> put it up when you’re done.
>
>
>
>
> 26………… Don’t tell us how cute your
> ex-boyfriend was. That
> doesn’t turn us on.
>
>
>
>
> 27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is
> through his
> stomach….. and maybe….oh nevermind.
>
>
>
>
> 28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be
> that comfy with your
> friends, but to us it’s just wrong.
>
> 29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip
> out our heart,
> stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.
>
>
> 30. And last but not least: We know you’re not
> always right, but we’ll
> pretend like you are anyway.

I found it facinating, really. (Shrugs) Yeah. I suppose I should make a catagory for forwards if I post anymore…

It’s far from finished. I’ve taken to doing some awfully large projects on the computer… I take the penciled bit, and go to town on colorizing. But it becomes one heck of a projects. I’ve taken the theory of emotional images, and turned that elemental lately… my current facinations have been with an extremist’s fantasy art style. Photoreal, more or less, but entirely… fantastical. Facial tattoos, swords, dragons, mermaids, fire… basically, exceedingly extreme.

It’s fun.

That’s the only way to sum it up.

I’ve never tried drawing in this level of high fantasy before. Always before, I’d simply add perhaps pointy ears to make my image “fantasy”, but now what I’m doing is anything BUT. It’s intense, bold, and utterly fantastical, containing emotions far deeper than I’ve ever tried before, containing stories that could never be told, and containing aspects that seem to be unspoken. Everything I draw has an emotion behind it, everything somehow covers something that’s been going through my mind in a very metaphorical (though that’s not the right word) manner. I think, if I keep up with this style, you’ll begin to understand what I mean… it effects my writing just as much as it does my drawing, this need to indicate in unspoken manners.

For example, Tiana now canonically has facial tattoos. Not the Terran form of punk expression, but a subtle and yet far from subtle series of designs. Ariane now plays electric guitar and has a CD out (it’s not her group; Hale’s sort of the leader… it’s Nadir for now) (AND she writes songs… I even managed to write one of them). Ryian writes. Her story actually is being written by me… I mean, the story she’d be writing. And through these in character character expressions, things get spoken that are otherwise not spoken.

It’s strange.

It’s also quite fun.

I guess this image started it.

It should make a clickable thumbnail… heh…

It was my first attempts with the facial marking idea. Tiana’s aren’t so intense… remove the cheek ma and most from the chin… basically the diamond marks, circle marks by eyes, and the weird slashy thingiers. I was bored, so I went crazy with some markers (I want more markers, by the way… I mean, I want some of the good quality ones… kid ones suck, and sharpies are too dark)

Then it went off on this track…

Pencil crayons. I hated the original. Sums it up. I decided to go crazy. She ended up with wings.

Then on…

Ryian, I think we’ve seen this one before… added the dragon…

(though this painting REALLY started it… art teacher told me to put an animal in a flower…)

Then, of course… the cover for The Genesis…the tenative name for Ryian’s “novel”. It has to be the most hugely complex image I’ve ever done, not to mention the most… containing of a story not told. Actually, it probably won’t end up the final for Ryian’s book, if only because Teniae shouldn’t wear Tiana’s clothing, Saerin doesn’t look that much like Ryian, and I’m not sure why Ariane ended up in there…

THIS is what Tenaie looks like.

Notice the similarities to Tiana? Good. Notice the eyes in the background? Probably not, the background’s really light because only Tenaie’s finished.

And I’ll finish up with the pencil for Seperation, which I know I’m spelling wrong in the file name… too lazy to spell check.

That image has one heck of a story within it, let me tell you that… (grins sheepishly) Character models were originally Ryian and Ariane, if you’ll note the whole elemental thing. Of course, I realize now that for an effective demonstration for them, it should be Earth and Fire rather than Water and Fire/Air. But it works. Contemplating that their characters were seperated… the whole emotion of the image should be “never again to see your face” type of thing. It’s the most intensive image I’ve done for a long while, really…

…And it makes me want to draw more mermaids/men.

(goes to get pencil) Oh well, so what if I draw a bunch of crap, this is FUN! Must consider finishing images, though…

I have this thing for strange thread titles, anyway.

Er, posts, I guess, they’d be on here. Bad grammar. (dies)

Anya sounds remotely like Ariane. Seriously. Her accent is nearly right. Ariane doesn’t sound quite as Australian… but Ariane’s accent is very South African/slight German/British. It’s not quite as high either, of course, but she could get away with voicing Ariane if she wanted to. Facinating, really. If only she wasn’t QUITE so Aussie sounding. Though I’m not too sure… I couldn’t hear very well over the clamor offered by Skype anyway. Heh. Incompatable with my PC. I’ve tried downloading Paltalk, but Jandalf or someone else would need that to really test it. Anya needs MSN.

Yeah, I ended up into this whole situation anyway. Don’t ask and don’t bother trying to understand my depressed rants. They happen when on mega PMS (for reference, I’m probably STILL going through, as I STILL haven’t gotten there yet… gah….)

Yeah.

And things are annoying, and stuff, and more stuff. (dies) I think I need to go do something of merit before my head blows up and I get mad again, because now Sunday’s going to be spent doubling, it looks like, since now I’m chatting with Forca TOO… gah…

Not that I don’t like Forca and Joan, but doubling’s hard on me.

I was informed very graciously by my devotion book to start getting a good night’s sleep before reacting. Facinating quote in there… “The bridge between hope and despair is often a good night’s sleep”

But, even still… this is my blog, I’m not forcing anyone to read it, therefore I consider it a free dumping zone to flame, scream, and etc. It gets it out of my system.

Randomly posting this, since I just scribbled it out very hastily for a deadline… and it gets my journal out of the 100% DOOMSDAY mood…

Surmon Summary for Feburary 18th, 2006.

Having started into a new passage in First Peter, our weekly message turns from a series on Christian Duty to a message series titles The Trials Of Life. This section was very likely inspired for Peter to write by the recent burning of Rome by the pyromaniac Nero (who later accused the Christians of destroying the city). Even though we do not face the same sort of two hundred year trial the Christians did in this time period, we still face trials. The points of this message are

-That we are told to expect persecution.

-The more outspoken we are, the more noticed we are and the more likely we’ll be targeted as Christians.

-Though the idea of suffering is a turn-off, isn’t a short earthly life of potential persecution worth it for an eternity in glory?

-Christianity doesn’t promise there to be no suffering. On the contrary, it tells us to expect to suffer for our Lord. But isn’t it worth it to look ahead and see glory? James 1:2-3 tells us “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”

I’ve stopped posting on my MEI journal. No one reads it anyway. Of COURSE not. Jandalf’s is far more intellectual, and for some reason everyone loves Warious and Commander’s.

I don’t think anyone really likes me anyone.

The least Jandalf could’ve done was offline messaged me!! I KNOW it’s not anyone’s fault I lost my internet for about an hour at a time too late for me to comfortably risk phoning her, but she didn’t even bother offline messaging me to say she was leaving. I’m PMSing. This is NOT a good time to get me ticked off, because it’s going to leave me in this mood for the next… oh, who cares.

Exactly.

I don’t really think anyone does. Everyone sees me as trying to annoy, trying to be crytical, trying to be defensive. Well, MAYBE I AM. Darnit, it’s the only way I can get any attention, and even if it’s negative attention, it’s still notice. I don’t even get THAT anymore! I used to be noticed. People used to LIKE me.

Yeah.

That was before I had a reality check and decided to start posting sanely. I fit in better on Jedi.net now, actually. It’s strange. I used to be totally ignored and disliked on there, I felt so awkward… and I got on fine on BD (at least in the Middle-earth Mirth area), and I got along GREAT on MEI.

Now?

Ergh… let’s not even get started on this. I used to feel fine with Anya too, you know. You being the general whoever-I’m-not-mad-at-at-the-moment-which-means-I’ve-probably-never-met-you-but-yeah, of course. But now? Well, as usual, it all leads back to Jandalf. Yes, I’m aware I have a problem with jealousy. But, you know, I’m not really jealous of Denae. She made a FINE best friend, and still does. We don’t argue… much… and we usually get along fine. Jandalf on the other hand? The closest friend I really have (Denae’s in a different class), and I get so often to a point where I utterly hate her. She’s inconsiderate without realizing it, she’s seemingly perfect, academic, ultimately able to fit into any crowd, somehow able to make EVERYONE love her, and, of course, BEEEEEEETTTTTTER than me at all graphics and writing. Or at least, she makes me feel that way. Doesn’t comment because she has anything to say. You know, at least a post that you READ something I wrote helps my ego because THAT’S rare to get from you, Master dearest.

And so, since I display a very obvious personality flaw, no one tells me anything.

Oh, sure, people TRUST me. Sure, they’ll rant at me (unless they’re Jandalf, in which case they consider me too worthless to waste time on telling anything pointless about day/emotions/whatever). You wouldn’t BELIEVE the amount of people who’ve come to me looking for a smack upside the head. I’m good at giving those, and people know it. Need someone to tell you to get a life? I’m your woman.

Woman?

Hah.

I suppose, in everyone’s eyes, I’m nothing more than a foolish child. Maybe that’s all I am. I’m not mega spiritual and tuned into God in incredible manners. I’m not academic. I can’t write short posts without people deciding I’m being curt. I can’t write long posts without people deciding I’m being defensive and flaming. I’m not pretty. My voice sounds stupid. I don’t have a life, friends, I’m just some sort of temporary amusement to the people who consider themselves better than me.

No one ever told me there was a plan to get skype. I don’t have it anyway. Why bother? Jandalf doesn’t like talking and if I DID talk to Anya, she’d realize what a washout I am. Anyway, after talking to Jandalf, she’ll see me as some stupid child. Wait. She already does.

I want so badly to get offline and leave the internet behind and actually find a life in reality. I want to leave the house, to get my skin a better color than a pale flesh tone, clammy to the touch. I want to get in shape and be able to run around the block without dying of an asthma attack. I want to be able to phone people. I want to fall in love and know what it’s like to see someone as something priceless to yourself as a human. I want to make people understand what I go through when tied up in these moods, unable to breathe or even think without HATING so much! I want to stop being the one to have to appologize when people actually do hurt me but never know it because I’m always the bloody one to say I’m sorry, even if it’s partly their fault! I want to hurt people… no, to hurt Jandalf… and see if it’d effect her. I want, well, chocolate, but that’s only for the obvious reason. I want to be respected and seen as something more than… whatever I am.

At least I get that from some people on Jedi.net.

I want to be trusted, confusticated, to control, to hurt, to tear down, to be seen as something more than a little child! I KNOW it’s an oxymoron, I KNOW it’s IMMORAL! I don’t care! Not right now! No one else cares; why should I? Why should I get started on the list of whys? WHY DO I KEEP COMING ON HERE?! Would anyone notice, beyond the RP on BD (where they’d get mad at me) if I stopped coming online? Would Jandalf care? She claims to love me, but doesn’t talk to me. Claims to be a sister without caring. Would Anya care, beyond the fact that she needs me to sign her permission thing still?

Would anyone notice?

No one’s noticed that I’ve been hardly posting on MEI.

I think that says enough.

I hate coming on here. No, not here. Not HERE. Here is fine. This is my own place, my own control, somewhere where no one else posts like this. This is my sanctuary online, a place where I can scream even if I KNOW people will read it: it’s pointless to scream if they can’t, anyway. It doesn’t properly get out of your system. I hate it. I hate MEI and BD and E-selves and YIM and Jedi.net and all those other forums and sites and messagers and RPGs…

No one ever comes on because they need to chat with me. It’s only me who’s the puppet.

Joan hasn’t IMed me in a couple weeks… wait… we chatted briefly before YQ. Jandalf chats better with her than she does with me; at least they can goof off. I chatted with Forca briefly… well… for a couple hours… and we nearly ended up arguing anyway.

What’s the point of this? No one cares about me, my life, or who I am online. All they care is that I’m not in moods like these when I talk to them so that they don’t get purposelessly yelled at. And maybe they don’t care then, either. Maybe they laugh at my expense.

Who cares?

Definately not you.

And, at the moment, I’m too mad to even touch upon God. I KNOW it’s selfish to hate always being the one to appologize. Maybe sometimes I want someone to consider my feelings.

At least these get it out of my system.

I still can’t guarentee I’ll be normal by tommorow. It won’t matter, anyway. The chances of Jandalf talking to me are slim.

…Yeah. Jandalf.

I should stop talking to her. I’d probably be the only one to notice.

I want to go to sleep and not cry.

I hate PMS.

Please disregard anything this rant said. Well. Most of it, anyway. Because it has been written under the influence of hormones and therefore I have no control over it. It’s in honesty, but overdramatized because I can’t think without seeing everything as dramatic. It’s simply how I work. At the moment, I hate everyone and want to cry and gorge myself on chocolate. I refuse to appologize if this rant hurt anyone’s feelings, but when I’m on PMS, I’m both honest and I have to rant or it holes up inside.

I’ve already been through depression; suffer through the rants and don’t make me do it again.

I won’t ever get a boyfriend, will I? I’ll scare him too badly.

(this post covers Gaia, Runescape, and Battleon. It’s regarding the sexuality on those sites. Mostly about Gaia…)

Oh, the pain of the internet…

Gaia is a site frequented by younger children. My sister frequently posts on there; the site seems innocent and is far less addicting than Runescape. The forums are large, and you can do all sorts of interesting things to your customizable avatar.

The site claims to be PG-13.

Tell me, is a site where sexual posts abound PG 13? (this rant is semi-explicit (because of what I’ll be complaining about) and probably not approprate for readers under 14… 15ish… for this you get the shiny MORE tag)

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The most popular posts thing doesn’t work right. Grr… I need a MAD rants option now too!!

I need a catagory for random…

I HAVE A BANNER ON JEDI.NET!!!

You Failed 8th Grade Science

Sorry, you only got 5/8 correct!

…crud.

I passed math, but not Science… (the math result is on my blogger blog)

(mutter mutter)

…well… I haven’t done very much science…

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced. Overall, your true self is moody and dynamic. With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react. In love, you seem mysterious and interesting. In stressful situations, you seem selfish and moody.

Oh, ow… it’s painfully accurate… (dies in horror) Though I’m not sure about the love part… no experience there…

I’m sticking this one in rants. Because it’s RIGHT! ARGH!!! I can’t help I’m moody… and it got all that from my describing my bloody face!!!![/rant]

WARNING: This rant is not suitable for younger readers, seeing as the topics I cover definately fall into the R-rated, and very likely NC 17 rated catagory, though it’s in disgust. If you aren’t over 16ish…, I wouldn’t want you reading this if you were my kid. This is NOT er0tica fiction. If you’re here in the hopes of a sexy read, this isn’t it. Go away and rethink your life.
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I mean it. Seriously.
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(testing the more tag so semi-explicit rant isn’t freely read)
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