Look To the North

I really do. I HATE beef. I swear, I’m going to become a vegetarian if I can’t escape eating steaks/roasts…

I used to be a good cook, dammit!! Until dad came home and we HAD to make nearly every damn day, steak, potatoes. Roast, potatoes. Horridly-tough-and-greasy-ribs, and potatoes. Chicken, oh wow that’s rare enough, and potatoes. GAH. EVERY FREAKING THING!! It’s been pressure cooked or sometimes rarely barbequed. Because it’s so tough you can’t eat it without pressure cooking it.

I used to be a GOOD cook! I used to be able to cook all sorts of interesting stuff. I was creative. EVERYONE liked it.

Beyond dad.

He wasn’t home.

Which was fine, because he wouldn’t have liked it anyway.

Damnnit, I hate steaks. I’m swearing. That usually means I’m pretty vehement about the opinion. Heh.

But YOU try eating food that tastes bloody THE SAME for MONTHS. GAH! We own a cow, see? The only different meat we have was chickens (whole ones), sausages, and hamburger. I used mostly hamburger. But now we’re nearly out of hamburger.

We have some bison, but by now, I’ve grown to hate any type of meat that I can’t make look so different from meat… heh.

So now I’m mad at dad (and he likewise), because he wanted to make two pounds of hamburger into PATTIES (ei: read: as much like steaks as is humanly possible), and I took it out to make into a lausagua because I NEED SOMETHING BESIDES STEAK BEFORE I GO INSANE!!

But you can’t tell HIM that. Gah! Nooo… “No one cares what I want!”. (smacks head on keyboard) HE doesn’t care what I want. Or mom wants, for that matter. WE want something besides steak and potatoes. GAH!!!

I’m going to become a vegetarian, or at the least, a sandwich meat, hamburger, and chopped up meat atarian.

You know, I was becoming a good cook until I had to start making steak and potatoes every day (unless mom cooked them, in which case I still had to eat them). I want pyrogies!! (I should’ve done those today. I’m making a roast. I refused to cook the hamburger and make it into patties. You see, if HE had done it, I would’ve lived with it and made potatoes quietly. But he told me to make supper, in the words “Would you like to make supper now, please” which mean “Make supper. No, I’m not going to say thank you when you’re done, but if you don’t make it, you’ll be in trouble”. Had DAD made hamburger patties, I would’ve suffered with eating them. But there’s no way in Kessel I’m making them.)

Yeah. So I rebelled and now dad’s mad at me. Both were thawed out, anyway… (Sighs) So it’s not like I did anything wrong. I washed the pressure cooker before he asked me to do it, anyway…

Grrr… and there’s hardly any hamburger left, so we’re stuck with this horrible meat until it’s all gone. I hate it. I really, really do. You know, before I was actually able to make INTERESTING food. I even managed to pull off potatoes a graiten, or whatever it was. And Chinese food. And other stuff like that. (sighs)

^That is not material permitted to be quoted.

And Great-Grandma’s in the hospital with pnomonia. Yeah.

It’s really quite a pain to carry on when no one ever appreciates your work. Really, it is. Or when your best friends have no real appreciation for your feelings, or suchnot. I get more reviews/remarks from people I’ve never heard of before. Jandalf doesn’t remark on anything I’ve done unless I prod her so hard into doing it…

If people think my work is that worthless, they could at least bleeding well tell me! Is my writing not worth even a “yes, I read it, it was intersesting” anymore?! I don’t hold anything on people not remarking on these journal posts. Really. These are just depression taking hold, frustration from people not telling me anything, so on, so forth (and I’m not even PMSing… gah)

But, really. Why is friendship so insincere? I hug people at the end of any chat session, mostly… is it sincere? I hated typing it at the end of the last bit with Jandalf, because I was ticked off enough to see no sincerity in it. It’s just a motion, one of those typical things to do.

And I’m sure she appreciates that I review her stuff with some degree of detail, at the very least, but I don’t even get a “That was odd” from her… I don’t even get acknowledgement for writing anything unless I poke her. Considering most of my writing goes into what we co-write, it really doesn’t seem to mean much anymore.

Gotta love those cynical friends.

Yeah, right.

Unknown reader, you don’t know how often I wish I could take the energy I’ve put into that RPing, take the plot, and write it out my own blasted way just to see it done. It’ll never get done through RP, that much is invariable… we don’t write enough canon when we have LOTS of time, let alone when she’s gone to collage…

I’ve spent ages developing those characters, and they’ll never go anywhere, because that’s the only plot I can leginimately use them in now, and most of them are so tied to her characters it isn’t even funny.

Darn it all.

I’ve stopped posting on my MEI journal. No one reads it anyway. Of COURSE not. Jandalf’s is far more intellectual, and for some reason everyone loves Warious and Commander’s.

I don’t think anyone really likes me anyone.

The least Jandalf could’ve done was offline messaged me!! I KNOW it’s not anyone’s fault I lost my internet for about an hour at a time too late for me to comfortably risk phoning her, but she didn’t even bother offline messaging me to say she was leaving. I’m PMSing. This is NOT a good time to get me ticked off, because it’s going to leave me in this mood for the next… oh, who cares.

Exactly.

I don’t really think anyone does. Everyone sees me as trying to annoy, trying to be crytical, trying to be defensive. Well, MAYBE I AM. Darnit, it’s the only way I can get any attention, and even if it’s negative attention, it’s still notice. I don’t even get THAT anymore! I used to be noticed. People used to LIKE me.

Yeah.

That was before I had a reality check and decided to start posting sanely. I fit in better on Jedi.net now, actually. It’s strange. I used to be totally ignored and disliked on there, I felt so awkward… and I got on fine on BD (at least in the Middle-earth Mirth area), and I got along GREAT on MEI.

Now?

Ergh… let’s not even get started on this. I used to feel fine with Anya too, you know. You being the general whoever-I’m-not-mad-at-at-the-moment-which-means-I’ve-probably-never-met-you-but-yeah, of course. But now? Well, as usual, it all leads back to Jandalf. Yes, I’m aware I have a problem with jealousy. But, you know, I’m not really jealous of Denae. She made a FINE best friend, and still does. We don’t argue… much… and we usually get along fine. Jandalf on the other hand? The closest friend I really have (Denae’s in a different class), and I get so often to a point where I utterly hate her. She’s inconsiderate without realizing it, she’s seemingly perfect, academic, ultimately able to fit into any crowd, somehow able to make EVERYONE love her, and, of course, BEEEEEEETTTTTTER than me at all graphics and writing. Or at least, she makes me feel that way. Doesn’t comment because she has anything to say. You know, at least a post that you READ something I wrote helps my ego because THAT’S rare to get from you, Master dearest.

And so, since I display a very obvious personality flaw, no one tells me anything.

Oh, sure, people TRUST me. Sure, they’ll rant at me (unless they’re Jandalf, in which case they consider me too worthless to waste time on telling anything pointless about day/emotions/whatever). You wouldn’t BELIEVE the amount of people who’ve come to me looking for a smack upside the head. I’m good at giving those, and people know it. Need someone to tell you to get a life? I’m your woman.

Woman?

Hah.

I suppose, in everyone’s eyes, I’m nothing more than a foolish child. Maybe that’s all I am. I’m not mega spiritual and tuned into God in incredible manners. I’m not academic. I can’t write short posts without people deciding I’m being curt. I can’t write long posts without people deciding I’m being defensive and flaming. I’m not pretty. My voice sounds stupid. I don’t have a life, friends, I’m just some sort of temporary amusement to the people who consider themselves better than me.

No one ever told me there was a plan to get skype. I don’t have it anyway. Why bother? Jandalf doesn’t like talking and if I DID talk to Anya, she’d realize what a washout I am. Anyway, after talking to Jandalf, she’ll see me as some stupid child. Wait. She already does.

I want so badly to get offline and leave the internet behind and actually find a life in reality. I want to leave the house, to get my skin a better color than a pale flesh tone, clammy to the touch. I want to get in shape and be able to run around the block without dying of an asthma attack. I want to be able to phone people. I want to fall in love and know what it’s like to see someone as something priceless to yourself as a human. I want to make people understand what I go through when tied up in these moods, unable to breathe or even think without HATING so much! I want to stop being the one to have to appologize when people actually do hurt me but never know it because I’m always the bloody one to say I’m sorry, even if it’s partly their fault! I want to hurt people… no, to hurt Jandalf… and see if it’d effect her. I want, well, chocolate, but that’s only for the obvious reason. I want to be respected and seen as something more than… whatever I am.

At least I get that from some people on Jedi.net.

I want to be trusted, confusticated, to control, to hurt, to tear down, to be seen as something more than a little child! I KNOW it’s an oxymoron, I KNOW it’s IMMORAL! I don’t care! Not right now! No one else cares; why should I? Why should I get started on the list of whys? WHY DO I KEEP COMING ON HERE?! Would anyone notice, beyond the RP on BD (where they’d get mad at me) if I stopped coming online? Would Jandalf care? She claims to love me, but doesn’t talk to me. Claims to be a sister without caring. Would Anya care, beyond the fact that she needs me to sign her permission thing still?

Would anyone notice?

No one’s noticed that I’ve been hardly posting on MEI.

I think that says enough.

I hate coming on here. No, not here. Not HERE. Here is fine. This is my own place, my own control, somewhere where no one else posts like this. This is my sanctuary online, a place where I can scream even if I KNOW people will read it: it’s pointless to scream if they can’t, anyway. It doesn’t properly get out of your system. I hate it. I hate MEI and BD and E-selves and YIM and Jedi.net and all those other forums and sites and messagers and RPGs…

No one ever comes on because they need to chat with me. It’s only me who’s the puppet.

Joan hasn’t IMed me in a couple weeks… wait… we chatted briefly before YQ. Jandalf chats better with her than she does with me; at least they can goof off. I chatted with Forca briefly… well… for a couple hours… and we nearly ended up arguing anyway.

What’s the point of this? No one cares about me, my life, or who I am online. All they care is that I’m not in moods like these when I talk to them so that they don’t get purposelessly yelled at. And maybe they don’t care then, either. Maybe they laugh at my expense.

Who cares?

Definately not you.

And, at the moment, I’m too mad to even touch upon God. I KNOW it’s selfish to hate always being the one to appologize. Maybe sometimes I want someone to consider my feelings.

At least these get it out of my system.

I still can’t guarentee I’ll be normal by tommorow. It won’t matter, anyway. The chances of Jandalf talking to me are slim.

…Yeah. Jandalf.

I should stop talking to her. I’d probably be the only one to notice.

I want to go to sleep and not cry.

I hate PMS.

Please disregard anything this rant said. Well. Most of it, anyway. Because it has been written under the influence of hormones and therefore I have no control over it. It’s in honesty, but overdramatized because I can’t think without seeing everything as dramatic. It’s simply how I work. At the moment, I hate everyone and want to cry and gorge myself on chocolate. I refuse to appologize if this rant hurt anyone’s feelings, but when I’m on PMS, I’m both honest and I have to rant or it holes up inside.

I’ve already been through depression; suffer through the rants and don’t make me do it again.

I won’t ever get a boyfriend, will I? I’ll scare him too badly.